Florida Weekly: Rabies Salad

batsalad

Two salad eaters munched on dead-bat lettuce they bought from Walmart in Orlando today, reports the Palm Beach Post.

Fresh Express recalled the bat-tainted Organic Marketside Spring Mix packages after Dracula’s attempt to hide from the Florida sun in what he thought was a safe bet–salad at Walmart.

I’m not exactly sure how a rotten bat carcass can go undetected in a container of greens, but I have some theories: Neither diner ever wash their vegetables, so they thought it was just some typical shit-dirt rocks that sneaked in–no big deal. The mummified bat head looked exactly like a giant crouton. They were high on mushrooms and listening to Bauhaus, so it seemed like part of the trip, man.

I wish I knew more about these two spring mix buying Walmart shoppers. I picture them as uptight, rich, middle-aged women who get Botox injections twice a week, clad in white Capri shorts and tight, white tanks, with open-toed white half-inch sandals. They want to cut corners for their plastic surgery, so they buy groceries at Walmart. After they pick up some lunch fixings, they’re in a hurry to eat because their entire life is on a minute-by-minute schedule, so they skip the wash and grab a handful of salad and toss it onto a plate, douse it in apple cider vinegar, add a few baby carrots, maybe some hulled sunflower seeds and cherry tomatoes, and go to town. Three bites in and they’re Ozzy Osborne.

If these veggie lovers didn’t notice decayed bat remains in their mixed greens until AFTER they were already eating, then maybe it’s actually their own fault for being oblivious.

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